10 Tips for Raising Teen Boys from a Christian Counsellor
In my work as a counsellor with parents who are raising teen boys, there are certain issues that I see many parents struggling with. These often include anger, addiction to screens, withdrawing from the family, and a lack of motivation for chores and homework.
Teen boys who are having difficulties often distance themselves from family and faith, and parents sometimes make things worse by cracking down or trying to control their sons. In this article, I’ve compiled practical strategies you can use to draw your son closer in the midst of the struggle—based on my years of experience as a Christian counsellor helping teen boys and their families in Vancouver.
Tip # 1 - Let Consequences Teach
The biggest mistake I see parents make when their sons misbehave is trying to correct them with excessive words in the form of lectures and nagging. The problem is this only makes him feel that you don’t like him, when in fact the opposite is true. You love him enough to tell him that if he continues down the road he is on, it won’t work out well for him. The method you are using is simply ineffective.
Instead, start by communicating clearly and specifically what your expectations are and the consequences he will earn if he doesn’t meet those expectations. Examples of consequences could be doing a chore, or losing a privilege such as video game time. If he fails to meet the expectation, give him the consequence and don’t… say… anything.
The point of consequences isn’t to punish him, but to teach him that his actions have consequences.
Boys are action-oriented; they don’t believe what you say, only what you do. As you speak less and follow through with consequences more, his respect for you will gradually increase along with his willingness to cooperate.
Tip #2 – Praise the Good He Is Doing
The second biggest mistake I see parents making in raising teen boys is focusing solely on what they’re doing wrong instead of what they’re doing right. Managers fall into the same problem with their employees. We’ve all had the experience of that boss who only shows up when we screw up, and we all know how we felt toward him.
Pick a behavior that you want your son to do more, and every time he does it, or even something remotely close to it, give him descriptive praise.
I picked up this technique from the book Calmer Easier Happier Boys, my favourite book on parenting boys. It’s different from effusive praise, which is over the top and not effective with kids. Descriptive praise is a simple statement of what they did, for example: “I noticed that you emptied the dishwasher without being asked.”
You will feel like Captain Obvious, but I’m telling you this technique is magic! With the stick of consequences and the carrot of your positive attention toward what he is doing right, your son will start to truly feel seen by you, making him want to spend more time with you.
Tip #3 – Have Fun Together
The biggest reason teen boys don’t spend time with their parents isn’t because they don’t like their parents or don’t want to—it’s because they think their parents don’t like them (because of all the nagging) and because they don’t know how to talk to or relate to their parents. When you stop lecturing and use consequences and descriptive praise to deal with problem behaviors, you’ll solve the first problem, but the second requires some ingenuity.
To build a connection with your son, the fastest way is to have fun together.
The reason he always wants to be with his friends is because it’s fun and they don’t judge him. Sit down with your son and brainstorm some fun things you can do together (not just TV and video games) and try them out. The more you laugh and play together, the more he’ll desire to be with you. The biggest challenge to spending time together is often that he would rather spend it with friends or online.
Tip #4 – Institute a Pay to Play Policy
Screen time is a huge battleground between parents and teen boys and can be a source of angst and stress for both. The teen boys I talk with know they spend too much time on screens, but it’s fun for them so they don’t care. Parents want to set limits, but feel guilty in doing so or don’t want to face the backlash.
An important mindset shift is to adopt the idea that screen time is a privilege to be earned, not something boys are entitled to.
If they view it as a God-given right, any limits you set will be met with arguing. Change the narrative by requiring him to earn screen time by accomplishing his responsibilities (chores/homework) first. Institute a “pay to play” policy, where a set amount of screen time can be earned by a proportional amount of work.
For example, require him to finish homework, chores, and spend some time with family before going online, then limit that time to 1–2 hours. If you limit screen time, you must model limiting yourself; otherwise, he’ll call you a hypocrite—and rightly so.
Tip #5 – Model the Behaviour You Desire to See
Gandhi famously said, “Be the change that you want to see in the world.” Similarly, for teen boys, if you model the changes you want to see in your son, you’ll be much more likely to get results than if you only tell him to do things.
In my own experience as a father, the character faults my son has also tend to be the ones that I need to work on as well. Want your son to get off his phone more? Get off yours. Want him to spend more time with the family? Work less and plan things to do together.
Verbal teaching is necessary, but if it’s not backed by action, your son won’t respect it.
Whatever behavior your son is doing that you don’t like, sit down and reflect on how you are doing in that area. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal parts of your heart or character that aren’t where they need to be. Ask forgiveness from your son for the ways you may have hurt him and renew your commitment to do better. I have been working on being more patient with my son, and he knows this. When I shout or get angry, I let him give me a “consequence,” often doing pushups, and he knows that I’m accountable just like I want him to be.
Teen boys are often very sensitive and want to do well, but the pressure of being successful can leave them feeling overwhelmed and drive them to seek comfort in addictive behaviors.
Tip #6 – Prioritize Character Growth over “Success”
The biggest pressure that often makes boys anxious and prone to addiction is to be successful in the eyes of the world—doing well in school, having friends, excelling in sports. These are good things, but when they become the end-all, they can lead to an idolatry of the heart.
I’m not saying you should have lax standards for your son, but rather that you should prioritize his character and growth in holiness over his report card. Ironically, growing in virtue often results in worldly success, but if you aim for mere results and ignore spiritual development, he may fall prey to the worldly rat race.
Spend more time talking with him about growing in virtue than results. Pray as a family and encourage your son that pleasing God is far more important than grades or money.
Tip #7 – Serve Together
One of the most insidious ways the culture of materialism sneaks into family life is through the busyness of schedules. A powerful way to push back is to create space to serve together. This could be as simple as hosting a meal for neighbors.
Serving together teaches your son that other activities aren’t as important as following the Lord’s command to serve. Pray as a family to identify what to prune from your schedule. Pruning may require sacrifice, but creating space to serve instills an outward orientation in your son and protects him from the pursuit of money that can corrupt his soul.
Tip #8 – Provide Opportunities for Healthy Risk-Taking
Parents, especially mothers, are often confused when sons do foolish things contrary to their values. Most of the time, boys take risks to prove manhood and gain status with friends.
Healthy risk-taking is a normal part of adolescence, but if not channeled into service, it can manifest in inappropriate behaviors. Discuss with your spouse and son about activities that allow him to take healthy risks and demonstrate responsibility.
Examples include construction projects, planning road trips, or taking leadership roles in faith-based activities. Following God requires risk, and orienting your son’s natural appetite for risk toward God helps him grow spiritually and maturely.
Tip #9 – Become a Mentor to Your Son
Becoming a mentor is essential if you want your son to be an independent thinker and take influence from you. Mentoring emphasizes dialogue, asking questions, and modelling.
One way to promote this is by having mentor sessions with your son. I picked up this idea from the book Parenting: A House United - Teaching Self-Government by Nicholeen Peck. I started doing it with my son around age 6. We meet once per week for about 15-30 minutes and talk about different areas of his life like school, friends, family, and faith. I ask him what his goals are, what his concerns are, and how he thinks I’m doing as his Father.
Consider weekly mentor sessions with your son to discuss school, friends, family, and faith.
I’m always amazed at what I learn about my son from these meetings, and how they help to give him purpose and direction and for me a window into his thought process. This helps me to understand him and maintain a curious and open stance towards his behaviour rather than a harsh and condemning one.
Tip #10 – Don’t Judge Your Son
Most boys have a sensitive heart, even if they don’t show it, and harsh words, criticism, even a slight tone of voice or light teasing can make them feel hurt and judged. Even if you refrain from lecturing and nagging your son, it’s possible you might be doing things that are making him feel judged without even realising it.
If he feels judged he won’t feel safe with you and he won’t want to tell you about his thoughts and feelings, which is an essential aspect of mentoring and teaching him relationship skills.
Even if you think you’re 100% non-judgmental, I encourage you to do this exercise. First take a moment to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any judgmental attitudes or behaviours you may have towards your son, repent and ask forgiveness. Then ask each person in your family, starting with your spouse, in one on one meetings if they can point out anything you do or say that they find judgmental.
Once you’ve compiled a list of these attitudes and behaviours make a concerted effort to eliminate them from your life. As you do your son will open up to you more and you’ll be able to guide his gentle heart through the difficulties of adolescence.
If you apply even one of the tips in this list I guarantee you that you will start to notice a positive change in the relationship you have with your son. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance on how best to reach him, and make small but consistent changes and be patient with yourself, you've got this!